Blech

{ May 21, 2008 @ 6:27 pm } · { Uncategorized }

That is how I feel today.  I have all these different things that I have thought about posting, but just haven’t had the energy.  I think part of the “blech” that I am feeling is that I am disgusted with every aspect of me right now.  Work, relationship, parenting, home, etc.  You name it, I am disgusted. 

I am making some changes to rid myself of the disgust.  I am focusing once again on losing the weight that I so desperately need to get rid of.  Not a man, just me.  I look at pictures of myself or walk by a window and see my reflection and I am disgusted. 

My house is a mess, my yards are a mess.  I don’t know why I ever purchased a house on an acre of land with no love of yardwork in my blood.  It takes everything I have just to get out and cut the grass.  This is what awaits me when I get home:

That is just the backyard!  I have vowed to buy a riding mower this season, but I just don’t have the $.  I told my friend that I was going to do that and she said “You should keep the push mower, I would”,  to which I replied, “You don’t have to cut it once a week for the next 4 months”.   My girls love it though, so I am doing right by them.  Girls = canines.

As for relationship, I am trying to break away from someone who is not so great for me.  I think I love him, at least that is what I keep telling myself.   We have known each for over 20 years, but we just can’t seem to get it together to be with each other at the right time in our lives.  I know that makes no sense, but I am not prepared to jump into the explanation at this place and time.  I would just like to have a real boyfriend.  Not one on the periphery of my life.  One that is fully involved would be nice.  I am not looking to get married.  I have been single for the majority of my life and I am able to support myself and son financially.  I own my house, I own my car, I make all my bill payments with no help from anyone else.  But, at the end of the day it should would be nice to go home and have someone other than a large dog attacking me with love. 

Oh well, if the powers that be see fit to send someone into my life, then it will happen.  Until then, I just get a little sad about it at times. 

So, that is just part of my malaise.  At least school is almost out and I won’t have to crack the whip in the mornings to get my teenager to move so I can get to work on time. 

Hope everyone has a marvelous rest of the week!